Saturday, June 30, 2012

Pensivity and the Future and Such

I have been thinking about my future. I have one more week until I embark on my last three months of college. I believe my last day will be September 14. Weird. Its just the last four years of my life are going to be over...

I feel like on one hand, I am achieving a serious goal. On the other, I feel like I haven't amounted to anything I wanted to amount to. I have accomplished a lot, that's true, but if ten year old me saw twenty-two year old me, I feel like she'd be disappointed. So, in the next three months, I want to at least make it easier for myself. In this time I am trying to purge my life of things I don't need (which is a lot) through yard sales and ebay and, of course, Etsy. I want to "start over" in a sense.

The majority of my clothes I don't wear. I don't wear barely any jewelry. My shoes vacillate between two pairs. I have piles and piles of books I haven't touched in years. Drawers full of who knows what. Why do I have these things? Exactly. Lets get rid of 'em and start over, shall we?

Maybe this is some form of early life crisis. I'm only twenty-two but I feel fifty two. I just really wanted to be in a different place by now, and by that I mean REALLY good at something, making a niche for myself, and making my family and friends proud. Instead I'm kind of a jack of all trades: wildly mediocre at a lot of things. I work hard for things, yes, and it takes a lot to make me give up. But still, it seems I have yet to find what is truly my "thing". I want so badly for this vintage and fashion game to be it, but I am terrified of failure. I feel like I have attempted so many things in my life: music, painting, novels, paranormal investigation, acting, tarot, etc. They have all failed and it is starting to get to me.

People tell me, “You just gotta keep going!” “You can’t give up!” “Push through!” and I never do give up. Usually things just get pulverized. I know that I am young but I’m about to go out into the “real world” all by myself, and I’m a bit scared.

Does anyone have any advice or relatable stories?

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